math sucks

As a baby I
never crawled,
refusing mobility
with a meditative
fierceness. One day
I pulled myself up and
started walking. My
paralysis took on a tone
of nervous desperation.
Development was
a sloping
sine curve
with an inclination
so imperceptible that
I had convinced myself I
had flatlined. Having broken
free of that illusion I choose
to take ownership of my
magic. And so for my
next trick, I have
decided to
𝘳𝘶𝘯.

Reflecting On Other People’s Notions of Ambivalence

“[Adrienne Rich] takes on a deliberately Keatsian tone, as if in elegy for a succulent linguistic register she cannot unironically adopt, a tuneful (and classically scanned) mode that represents a morally contaminated real of l’art pour l’art, of aesthetics divorced from politics. She momentarily speaks within this storied, musically opulent tonality; that sumptuousness of sound and syllable–a giddy balance between utmost clarity and a dripping sensitivity to the beauties of what I call “bower consciousness,” an Arcadian realm in which an Adonis is always lying down to sleep or die–is rightfully hers. [And yet–] a sense of dramatic conflict, of molten and conscience-stricken self-scrutiny, the intensity of a great poet examining her own tools and finding them inadequate to the high, stern task […] I listen with eagerness and tenderness for the moments when she lets her musicality unfurl itself, not in pompous or meaningless display but in full consciousness of its sensational power to influence the receptive reader’s mind and body.

From The Dream of a Common Language: “My heart is moved by all I cannot save:/ so much has been destroyed//I have to cast my lot with those/who age after age, perversely,// with no extraordinary power,/reconstitute the world.”

“‘My heart is moved by all I cannot save’ is a resource she will soon be forced to abandon because its heart is contaminated. Rich’s conflicted relation to the linguistic beauties she had the power to command gave her poetry its forcefulness. She was never reciting conclusions reached outside the poem; she was always waging the war–against herself, against her own language–within the poem itself.”

—————————————————————————————————————-

“Bloom: Falling love with a poem or falling in love with a play or character is not greatly different from a young man and a young woman. […] You fall out of love with particular poems and poets. But without that initial falling in love, I don’t think the work of memory begins, I don’t think possession can take place. When I wrote The Anxiety of Influence, it didn’t occur to me to talk about ambivalence coming only after love. I took it for granted, and people slammed me for it. […] I realized that literary love was indeed the crucial element and that the question of agony, of struggle, or retreat, of ambivalence, only comes after the initial act of handing oneself over. [Why is Shakespeare so important?] Shakespeare takes stock of reality, because things that have always been there, nobody would have been able to see if he hadn’t shown us that they were there.”
–Selections from the 16th issue of Pen America.

————————————————————————————————————————–

“2. ambivalence, the strategy of creating distractions to re-direct one’s attention away from the source of anxiety, i.e. fear of annihilation or engulfment (loss of self). When there is impasse in the struggle between libido and mortido, when neither gains the advantage, then movement ceases and paralysis sets in: stalemate. In stalemate, the battle rages on, usurping all available energy. The opposite of ambivalence is a rigid intolerance for ambiguity, nuance or paradox. The synthesis of the two is “passionate commitment in the face of ambiguity.” 

[…]”What we call normality in psychology is really a psychopathology of the average, so undramatic and so widely spread that we don’t even notice it.’ He referred to peak experiences as incorporating altruistic love and will, humanitarian action, artistic and scientific inspiration, philosophic and spiritual insight, and the drive toward purpose and meaning in life.”

[…] Paradoxical intention, to release dysfunctional aspects of oneself by first fully accepting them.

[…] Ambivalence: this strategy creates distractions to re-direct one’s attention away from the source of anxiety. It is the “maximizing strategy” of preoccupation with both what is wanted and what is not. This person feels uncertainty as to whether the other will be available and responsive when needed. This uncertainty causes the individual to grasp at and cling to relationships, while at the same time directly unresolved anger at the other in the relationship. Intimacy alternates with hostility. Hostility may be equated with intimacy. Distraction requires drama and chaos; therefore a quiet or uneventful environment is experienced as threatening. This person grew up with a parent who gave partial and inconsistent attention to the child, or who controlled the child with separation and threats of abandonment. The unpredictability of parental caregiving conditioned this child to anticipate the parent’s state of mind, and to get the needed attention by doing the opposite of what the parent is doing. What the parent is ignoring the child, or attending inappropriately, the child becomes increasingly demanding and aggressive. When the parent is attending to the child, because the attention is usually overly intrusive, the child withdraws passively, becoming emotionally distant. In other words, this strategy hyperactivates, or under-regulates, emotional display, creating chaotic impulsivity. The underlying fear in this strategy is the loss of self. To stop the pattern of both clinging and distancing, to commit to only one path, feels like it would guarantee never getting basic needs met. These people have identified with both polar opposites, and their very identity depends on maintaining both. (sincoff, sroufe, main) 

This person’s fear of autonomy comes about initially through the infant’s consistent defensive choice to avoid the anxiety inherent in any attempt at autonomy. This child’s separation/individuation attempts have all been undermined, either by the parent’s lack of attention or by the punishment of rejection. The fear of autonomy can eventually manifest as success phobia (Krueger). Indeed, of the three strategies, the ambivalent individual exhibits the strongest fear of death, including the loss of his/her social identity.

[…] Indeed, he has a volatile love/hate relationship with God. His simultaneous sense of entitlement and unworthiness guarantees lots of drama in his life and immense sadness over all the lost opportunities for connection. 

[..] These children, then, are not congruent with their age: they are childish and demanding at times, like little old men or women at others.

[…] A child may project the good parts of self out on the external world as a way to protect the purity of that quality, or as a way to attempt repair of what is perceived to be broken […] This expelling of good qualities of self depletes a child of his/her own capacities of love and goodness, resulting in the ego becoming actually depleted through splitting and projection.The valuable quality has been rejected, and remains unavailable to the person over the ensuing lifetime. This inner resource needs to be retrieved deliberately and therapeutically ( a shamanistic procedure) to further the individual’s healing. We virtually always incorporate some form of retrieval of inner resources in the age-regressed ego state in which those resources were lost/rejected/dissociated. […] A child that does not introject admired qualities, who remains fixated in projective identification, develops a ‘pseudo-mature’ character structure, Winnicott’s ‘false self.’ The child has stolen through imitation the outward appearance of admired others, without maturing his/her true self from within. 

[…] “Resistance provides a valuable benefit to the individual experiencing inner conflict: the pinpointing of what intrapsychic areas would be most fruitfully explored to produce growthful change (Yurk, 94). It is an existential Geiger counter locating the deepest veins of buried treasure, the areas of psychic pain and anxiety that are best defended and therefore most central to profound healing.The resistance Geiger counter also quantifies the magnitude of the challenge needed to uncover and overcome it, i.e., the greater the resistance, the greater the opportunity for deep healing. 

[Energetic psychodrama.] “For the individual whose theme in life is resistance, the temptation arises upon discovery of the pattern to fight against it, push back, reject and resist it. Of course, that is the pattern. Such a person would do well to emulate the Aikido master and welcome the resistance itself, to play with it, give in to it while remaining alert to ways of redirecting the energy.” 

———————————————————————————————————————–

True to form, some of this rings true for me, but it also makes me FURIOUS. 

“A child may project the good parts of self out on the external world as a way to protect the purity of that quality, or as a way to attempt repair of what is perceived to be broken […] This expelling of good qualities of self depletes a child of his/her own capacities of love and goodness, resulting in the ego becoming actually depleted through splitting and projection.” This quote fills me with a sense of foreboding. Robin Williams once said: “Comedy is acting out optimism.” 

His death hit close to home for me, because I’ve always had this hope that if I just act out optimism enough, I’ll be able to will it into existence. I’ve always truly believed that we co-create our reality together and that I have to sort of “be the change” as it were. For a few weeks, the fact that someone like Robin Williams could kill himself, seemingly undermined for me the idea that performatism can actually bridge the gap between the spiritually void postmodern irony and authentic spiritual experience. But this idea was never predicated on transcendental truth, it was and is predicated upon interpersonal faith. Faith in ourselves and in each other is therefore paramount to the success of the performatist experiment. 

That’s why questions of when and how we resist, ambivalence on an ethical level, distractibility of a personal and cultural nature….all of these issues are interconnected. 

A coworker told me the other day that I have a high emotional valence. That I’m constantly fluttering between loving everything and being furious. Acting out my anger, not truly being with it like those buddhists were saying. I’m acting out anger, I’m acting out optimism. Looks like these child psychologists were right. “Intimacy alternates with hostility.” 

Their view of ambivalence as a defense mechanism is defined in the opposite way that I’ve been using it. I’ve been advocating an embrace of ambivalence, an integration of the polarized states into one whole being. Here, these guys are saying that it’s an issue of chronic flip-flopping. That the two states aren’t being integrated. That a choice isn’t being made. 

Kierkegaard has some interesting things to say that I’ll add in here later.

Basically, though, the takeaway seems to be that rather than intellectually trying to reconcile my ambivalence, or act out both extremes, I should be striving at all times to act in true congruence with some holistic, intuitive originating point. The Kierkegaard is crucial to this point, so I’ll expand upon it later. Citations are forthcoming. 

I Think I’m Over Nonviolence

As goes my penchant for stumbling upon books in a particularly synchronous manner, I’ve recently picked up a book called “How Nonviolence Protects the State” by Peter Gelderloos. And ho ho oh boy…my thoughts about this topic are rapidly developing in the direction of a decisively clenched fist. God damn. It’s when I read shit like this that really opens my eyes that I feel most like the Huge Racist Idiot I’ve been trained to be. The indoctrination runs deep, my friends. Best to stay humble, because this shit is fucking EVERYWHERE. Tell ’em what’s up, Petey:

“Pacifism as an ideology comes from a privileged context. It ignores that violence is already here; that violence is an unavoidable, structurally integral part of the current social hierarchy; and that it is people of color who are most affected by that violence. Pacifism assumes that white people who grew up in the suburbs with all their basic needs met can counsel oppressed people, many of whom are people of color, to suffer patiently under an inconceivably greater violence, until such time as the Great White Father is swayed by the movement’s demands or the pacifists achieve that legendary “critical mass.”

People of color in the internal colonies of the US cannot defend themselves against police brutality or expropriate the means of survival to free themselves from economic servitude. They must wait for enough people of color who have attained economic privilege (the “house slaves” of Malcolm X’s analysis) and conscientious white people to gather together and hold hands and sing songs. Then, they believe, change will surely come. People in Latin America must suffer patiently, like true martyrs, while white activists in the US “bear witness” and write to Congress. People in Iraq must not fight back. Only if they remain civilians will their deaths by counted and mourned by white peace activists who will, one of these days, muster a protest large enough to stop the war.

[…] Pacifists must know, at least subconsciously, that nonviolence is an absurdly privileged position, so they make frequent usage of race by taking activists of color out of their contexts and selectively using them as spokespersons for nonviolence. […] Even Gandhi and King agreed it was necessary to support armed liberation movements (citing as examples those in Palestine and Vietnam, respectively) where there was no nonviolent alternative, clearly prioritizing goals over particular tactics. But the mostly white pacifists of today erase this part of history and re-create nonviolence to fit their comfort level, even when “claiming the mantle” of Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi. One gets the impression that if Martin Luther King Jr. were to come in disguise to one of these pacifist vigils, he would not be allowed to speak. As he pointed out:

‘Apart from bigots and backlashers, it seems to be a malady even among those whites who like to regard themselves as “enlightened.” I would especially refer to those who counsel, “Wait!” and to those who say that they sympathize with our goals but cannot condone our methods of direct-action in pursuit of those goals. I wonder at men who dare to feel that they have some paternalistic right to set the timetable for another man’s liberation.'”

Seriously, fellow peace-loving white people of the racist matrix, read this book and take your medicine.

I had someone at the grocery market today ask me why I was working for mental health reform instead of trying to change the socioeconomic conditions that lead so many to become so fucking depressed in the first place. Well, guy who works at the deli and knows a lot more about nutrition than me but that doesn’t give you a right to dig on the things I care about person, everything is important and connected, but quite frankly, this one’s personal. Mental health reform is an issue close to my heart. There are a great many things that I care about, but I’ve got a itch I gotta scratch when it comes to our fucked up mental healthcare system and I’m gunning it for it first. I also believe that changes to our current paradigms of mental health are directly tied to issues of resistance. You need a basic degree of de-conditioning and a lot of internal support and faith in yourself in order to fight back against systematic oppression. Our fucked up mental healthcare system invigorates our patriarchal colonialist society by telling people their pain is all in their heads. That there’s nothing to worry about, that they’re chemically imbalanced if they try to resist.

Feeling at home in your own skin does not necessitate complacency in the face of evil. Thinking back to the whole buddhist transforming anger thing, and also to some stuff I heard Maya Angelou say to Dave Chappelle about how you must use your anger but must never become bitter, I think it is important to cultivate a calm presence *within* your anger. To be able to act decisively and deliberately and authentically in the service of what you believe in. That’s the position from which a diversity of tactics is really going to take its power. But also, fuck it! Let’s burn this fucker down! Consider me rabble- roused.

Dear Men’s Rights Activists….

Dear American Men’s Rights Activists (aka White, Male, Masculine, Able-bodied, Cis-gendered, and Heterosexual Assholes Who Want To Add “Victim-Complex” to The List of Complexes That Work to Benefit Them In Our Fucked Up Society),

The day someone can show me a men’s rights group that actively works toward solving the legitimate problems facing male-bodied individuals today and doesn’t just flounder about bitching about feminists, looking for any loosely socially acceptable platform to engage in some Class-A woman-hating. The day someone can show me a men’s rights group that isn’t ableist or racist, that doesn’t engage in countless blatant acts of aggression toward the LGBTA community or feel threatened by even the basic idea of femininity itself, and that actively supports groups fighting to end other instantiations of systematic oppression. That day, and that day alone, will be the day I don’t think that literally all men’s rights groups are ridiculously stupid.

To all of you who don’t have the capacity for empathy or basic respect for human decency to understand why I feel this way, think of it from a pragmatic standpoint: there is a real and actual need for quality activism today that focuses on the issues that pertain to the specifically male-bodied. When you make these issues a matter of “real men” VS “feminists”, you simplify and distort the fact that each of our grievances comprises a small part of the same overarching systemic problems and utterly fail to account for the intersectional forces at work, erasing the important narratives within your OWN communities.

I want men to have a life free of oppression as much as I want that for women, but it’ll be impossible for any us to secure the rights and freedoms we’re fighting for in a long-term sustainable way unless we recognize and ally ourselves with each other’s struggles. That means all of them. I don’t have to bring our disparate philosophies of morality and personal responsibility into this conversation to convince you to care about people other than yourself. You will NOT get what you claim you want – and you will definitely not be able to keep it – unless the rest of us do too. That should be reason enough for you to slap on a rainbow pin, shout “Death to the Patriarchy!”, and start supporting the groups who want to change all the racist laws that have killed, denied or put in prison the men you claim to represent. But I really don’t care anymore if you can’t see that.

I want to build a future that all of us want to live in. But if you refuse to see that we have a personal stake in each other’s struggles, and if you prioritize your desire to uphold some arbitrary abstract absolute over the actual lived experiences of even the people within your OWN communities, then you have not earned a seat at the table. You are not even invited to the discussion. And if you get in my way, I will cut you down.

Love,

Someone Who Isn’t Taking Any More of Your Shit

A Pretty Fucking Beautiful Mind

Background: I wrote this poem today because I had recently watched a bunch of spoken word videos on Youtube that tackled mental illness but none of them reflected my personal experience. I’m working now at a job where I am doing work I believe in, that inspires me. I am given a large degree of flexibility and autonomy and several projects to sustain my attention at once. Basically, I am happy here and I am grateful. This poem reflects more my past than my present–but I will say that the sentiments expressed here haunt me today. I am still constantly worried that I am not good enough or that I’ll make a monumental mistake and everyone will realize I wasn’t supposed to be here after all. These fears are irrational, but they’re a part of what I have to deal with as I heal the wounds caused by my diagnoses.

If I don’t take my pills you tell me I’ve been stupid,

Irresponsible, proud, too proud to take my medicine.

If I tell you I am sorry I was distracted by the

Infinite beauty that surrounds us at all times

And I forgot about that appointment

You tell me not to use my diagnosis as an excuse.

I say it’s not an excuse it was an explanation.

But still I feel guilty so guilty so next time I’ll take

Double the amount of my prescribed medication.

Sometimes I don’t feel as though I have ownership of my disorder.

Like somebody else gets to decide when it is or is not okay

For me to acknowledge my thought patterns might be different

Than the rest of y’alls.

The thing is I’d be proud, honestly, I’d be proud

of how much living I’ve managed to do

in such a short time because of how fast

My mind is moving.

But I worry constantly that I am not measuring up to…

to what?

to “my full potential?”

Because I don’t think right, act right.

Focus, focus, focus– I CAN’T!

force attention even when I really want to–

I have to pretend like I was listening

and ask round-about pointed questions so that I can

reconstruct some of our conversations

so that you don’t think I didn’t care

about what you were saying!

I want my life to matter.

I don’t just want it to be a bundle of

unfinished projects that never got off the ground.

But you know Da Vinci only painted

17 pictures in 67 Years?

He was jumping around from this to that

and they still call him a genius artist.

I’m constantly feeling guilty,

so guilty,

because I forgot

To call you on your birthday,

to send out that final email.

Because I stayed up til 3 in the morning

reading articles about different kinds of

Tropical birds and so

I slept through my alarm clock

And was not able to make that meeting.

I’m sorry

That I was such an inconvenience.

I’m sorry

that I wasn’t able to contain

My curiosity and my joy for life within

the hours of 5 pm to midnight.

I feel like every industry in our society requires

a certain degree of

Willingness to not talk back, to stay on task,

to make the deadline and reach the bottom line and

if you can’t do that, then you just don’t fit in this system.

“Sorry. We’re gonna have to let you go.

The children love you.

But we find your attitude to be…lackadaisical.”

I’ll work more hours, if it’s taking me too long!

I’m sorry I didn’t do it right!

“No, we’re sorry.

It just wasn’t a good fit.”

I don’t want to be the reason that something

didn’t happen fast enough

And somebody didn’t get

whatever it was my services were designed to produce.

I guess I’m just not fit to be a cog in a machine—

but who says cogs are the only kinds of pieces we need?

Don’t we need relays, and information transporters, and microprocessors too?

And I’m not convinced this

machine-like way of categorizing

worth and degree of contribution

is really the best way to go about this whole business anyhow.

Seems like a lot of these systems make the simple tasks

of loving each other

of feeling amazed

of surviving

of feeling connected to something–anything really,

A lot more complicated.

And maybe that’s just because

I’ve never been able to do things “the right way”

And so I’m biased.

But I gotta say

There’s a lot people today

who think they’re crazy.

And those people are hurting but even more so because

They can’t hold a job.

And they “don’t deserve entitlements”.

They aren’t entitled to live.

And live with dignity.

I’m not trying to make trouble.

I’m SORRY I’m TALKING so LOUDLY.

I’m just excited.

I was just really happy for a second

cuz I forgot I was supposed to be feeling guilty.

And ashamed

Of who I am.

But you know, maybe,

if I can’t do it your way

Then maybe that isn’t the right way

for me to contribute, after all.

And hey, though, did we ever collectively decide

that the value of a human being was to be determined

solely from their ability to contribute in some

clearly defined and pre-measurable way?

Like I think you’ll find that

my life has not been

a complete waste of time.

I think my life has already been significant

to some people,

to me.

Maybe I just don’t “apply myself.”

But when I do manage to will myself to

force some approximation of long-term,

single-focused, sustained attention,

that was not occurring in me naturally,

I feel like I’m trapped.

Like part of me has been deadened.

And this is true whether or not I take my medication.

And when I cross things off my to-do list,

yeah – I feel good about it –

But honestly, it’s just because then I can stop hating myself for

Not having done it already.

If there wasn’t some voice inside my head saying,

“You’re worthless,

you’re unreliable,

you’re a promise-breaker—”

maybe I would do less of what I said I’d do in advance.

But I was just not made for following linear plans.

I do circle back.

It all gets done.

I keep my promises.

It just doesn’t happen in the way you might expect it to.

And I’d do more,

if I wasn’t held down.

I’d just keep chasing rabbits

until eventually I stumbled

into a project I could focus on for

just long enough

to make something beautiful.

And then I’d put that down

And I’d go chase another rabbit,

But I’d leave behind in my wake,

I don’t think,

merely unfinished pieces of something

that could have been beautiful—

I think I’d leave behind things that were

whole

in their own way.

And since when was anything ever really finished?

Why is your standard of output for me

as a piece of human capital

the sole means by which I should be

deciding my worth as a person?

And I don’t think my way is the best way

or that everyone should think like me,

but since I DO think like me

I gotta think that the way I think isn’t broken.

I’ll always be just a faulty mechanism

if I’m forced to stay a part of an assembly line.

Even so,

I still think that I have

A pretty fucking beautiful mind.

 

Transforming Anger Part 1

Haha well I already fucked up the whole post something every day thing. It’s tough business. Don’t write: live life, feel incomprehensible. Do write: no time for living, not necessarily taking the time to be with and feel my experiences. I’ve decided not to be too hard on myself about this. 

Today’s post doesn’t have really a central theme yet, we’ll see if one develops as I continue to braindump. First things first, I’ve talked a lot about synchronicity in other forums. I’ve touched on anger and ambivalence here and also on my grocery shopping misadventures. Well, I’ve got a story that involves all three! 

I went back to Staff of Life the other day to buy the rest of my supplies and I noticed they had a copy of the Shambhala Sun, this Buddhism and culture magazine. Would you believe it if I told you that the theme of this month’s issue was THE WISDOM OF ANGER? Incredible how things manage to pop into our lives when we’re most ready to receive them. Anyway, I still have to do a real perusal of the contents of the magazine (which I bought) but I’ve already been struck by some interesting ideas.

One article I liked a lot was Melvin McLeod’s “On the Enlightened Power of No“. McLeod writes, “Buddhas are not the love-and-light people we think they are. Of course, their enlightened mind is grounded in nirvana—total peace—but in that open space compassion spontaneously arises. It has many manifestations. One is anger.

Anger is the power of no. The enlightened mind of the buddhas is enraged against the evils of samsara and the suffering it causes. It says no to the three poisons of ignorance, attachment, and aggression that drive cyclic existence.

This is the natural reaction we all have when we see someone we love suffer—we want to stop it. The buddhas are angry about our suffering, and they will happily destroy its causes. They aren’t angry at us; they’re angry for us.”

Now this is a Buddhism I can get behind! Anger as a spontaneous manifestation of compassion. I love it. 

And then, Judy Lief’s “The Poison Tree“: “Because the experience of anger is so potent, we usually try to get rid of it somehow. One way we try to get rid of it is to stuff it or suppress it, because we are embarrassed to acknowledge or accept that we could be feeling that way. Another way we try to get rid of our anger is by impulsively acting out through violent words or actions, but that only feeds more anger.

Since anger is a natural part of us, we cannot really get rid of it, no matter how hard we try. However, we can change how we relate to it. When we do, we begin to glimpse a quality hidden within this destructive force that is sane and valuable.”

Fascinating. I’ve never thought of “acting out” anger as a means of actually avoiding being present with it. This reminds me of another post about distraction that I’ll have to write soon because it’s been on my mind (I was reading a book on the Enneagram–I got typed as a 7 like the good little bundle of well-intentioned pediatric diagnoses I am–and it talked about how distractibility was a form of anxiety, and so now I’m obsessed with what it means to be fully present with our emotions). Anyway, that’s sort off topic right now. The major point is that acting out anger, expressing it as aggression, is not consistent with a compassionate outlook.

Here’s where everybody gets mad and tells me that I shouldn’t care about being consistent because I’m supposedly all about ambivalence now. WELL, the one thing I do care about is being consistently authentic. If that means that I embody the ideas of seemingly conflicting philosophies, so be it. However, I want to, as much as possible, avoid acting in bad faith. 

This “acting out” of anger–and for that matter the suppression of it without giving it the chance to be fully processed–as an example of this bad faith is an idea I’m excited to further explore. Earlier this week I talked about violence sometimes being necessary and I think this new concept will help flesh out my thinking regarding when acts of violence are understandable. My good friend Matt pointed out that systematic violence is never justified. I hadn’t been thinking in terms of systems or aggressors when I was thinking about the word violence. What I meant was that violent defensive action on the parts of individuals against aggressive parties in select situations where alternative solutions have failed is an understandable course of action.

However, defensive action can still be aggressive in nature. I think the essential point is that aggressive actions–whether offensive or defensive–are meant to hurt. They have their roots in hatred, fear, desperation. The aim is to demoralize or destroy the enemy, to deter them from ever acting again. In contrast, performers of what I’ll call compassionate violence do not wish destruction upon the enemy, and in fact are as pained by their losses as if they were their own. They merely have come to the decision that they have been left no other recourse. The choice to act out defensive violence rooted in compassion and restraint, made after careful consideration of alternate options and a full understanding of the consequences of this course, has its place in a world full of injustice–and it’s an entirely different animal from aggressive violence. 

So how is acting out anger an act of bad faith and what does it feel like to properly experience our anger? I have to go now if I want to buy a Snarky Puppy ticket before they sell out. But I’ll do some thinking while I’m at the show and let y’all know what I come up with. Peace. 

Adulthood Is Imminent

I had to spend time thinking and doing research to come up with this plan of action today, so I’m counting it as time spent writing for today’s post. SUE ME. I MAKE THE RULES HERE.

Master plan: 1. Start thinking of EXACT meals a week at a time so as to spend less $$$ and maximize quality 2. Assist these objectives by following recipes that require similar ingredients 3. Obtain nutrients in a creative and delicious fashion 4. Become a hit at parties 5. Instantly transform into someone who can do her own taxes.

6. Successfully implement master plan

MEAL-RELATED ITINERARY (Lunches requiring more than 20 minutes to be prepared in advance)

Tuesday SHEZZ

-Eat Chinese food before going shopping so as not to be tempted into buying more than we need (I’m a we now, apparently. Thanks for nothing as always, Descartes)

-Go to market; retrieve the “goods”.

-Do laundry! Why not?! You’re on a roll! (lol nope)

-Prepare the following recipes for the week: gnocchi potato salad (also nope. did not do that. still not gonna do that.)

My original plan was to post my shopping list and how much it all cost. But I didn’t check what time the store closed and only had 10 minutes to shop so I didn’t get everything I needed. LOL. The good news is that because I spent so much time making this list, I was pretty efficient once I got there AND I was able to carry all my bags into my apartment in one trip. How’s that for a master plan?

Wednesday

Breakfast: hummus on a rice cake

Lunch: Gnocchi potato salad with green beans and rice (Prep 10, cook 30)

Need: substitute arborio rice, gnocchi, green beans, green onion, dill, olive oil, vegan mayo, dijon mustard, garlic, maple syrup

http://vegangela.com/2011/10/16/gnocchi-potato-salad-with-green-beans-and-quinoa/

Dinner: Oven-baked tomato risotto (Prep 5, cook 50)

Need: olive oil, green onion, garlic, Arborio rice, pasta sauce, vegetable broth, substitute kale, pine nuts, nutritional yeast

Thursday

Breakfast: Oatmeal with cinnamon + sliced banana

Lunch: yesterday’s leftover risotto

Dinner: Eating out at an Indian restaurant before going to dance

Friday

Breakfast: pb + j

Lunch: kale and pistachio nut salad

Dinner: Pistachio-Crusted Maple Dijon Tofu (Prep 15 min, Cook 15 min)

Need: Tofu, maple syrup, curry powder, Dijon mustard, shelled pistachios

http://vegangela.com/2011/04/05/pistachio-crusted-maple-dijon-tofu/

Saturday

Breakfast: Breakfast at Saturn-tofu scramble!

Lunch: kale salad with asparagus, sundried tomatoes, olive oil, and pine nuts

-Need: kale, substitute green beans, onion, pine nuts, olives, sundried tomatoes

Dinner: attempt The Vegan Stoner’s pineapple pizza (if in the mood to do this, buy ingredients the same day, otherwise dig up food in the house)

Sunday

Breakfast: OhSheGlows’ Jumbo chickpea pancake

-Need: onion, red pepper, chickpea flour/garbanzo flour/besan, garlic powder, baking powder, avocado, salsa, hummus, cashew cream

Lunch: something light, whatever’s in the house

Dinner: Refried Black Bean Tostadas (Prep 15, Cook 15)

-Need: Olive oil, onion, garlic, chili powder, black beans, tostada, avocado, salsa

Monday

Breakfast: use up leftovers

Lunch: Mac and Squash (10 minutes)

Need: Squash, macaroni, adobo

Dinner: use up leftovers

Tuesday

Breakfast: use up leftovers

Lunch: Falafal Pie (15 min)

Need: falafel mix, hummus, soy yogurt

Dinner: figure it out later, time to go shopping again

Long-term Buys

-Some of those clippy things that keep bags closed

-Tupperware

-Food processor?

-Rubberbands

-Live-in chef? (Pronounced: “Boyfriend”)

The possibilities are endless.